


A Bag Of Richards

by ms_josephine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dean and Cas might go overboard with the pranks at times, Dean/Cas Tropefest 2021 (Supernatural), Dean/Cas Tropefest 5k Mid-Winter Challenge (Supernatural), Enemies to Lovers, HOA fines, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Naomi is a piece of work, One Shot, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prankster Dean Winchester, Retaliatory Prankster Castiel, Some HOAs suck, author kind of wishes she'd sent some of this stuff to her own neighbor, don't mess with the Impala, etsy creators are amazing people, is that really a surprise though?, it's amazing what you can send people in the mail, no beta we die like everyone else in SPN, not real ones though, she was the worst, so many dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28761390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_josephine/pseuds/ms_josephine
Summary: A comment to the wrong person leads to a HOA fine, which leads to misunderstandings, which leads to an all-out prank war between Castiel and his new neighbor, Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 22
Kudos: 49
Collections: Dean/Cas Tropefest 2021 Mid-Winter 5k





	A Bag Of Richards

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This story is inspired by my intense dislike of my last neighbor. She was a miserable human being who loved to call management and complain about every little sound from our house. I just wish I'd mailed her some of the things I found on Etsy while writing this before she moved.
> 
> I also started writing this about an hour after the finale because I desperately needed something fun to help put the shattered pieces of my heart back together. 
> 
> A few things: the rating is for the different things the boys use to prank each other. A lot of it is pretty juvenile, but is still intended for mature readers. That being said, I tried to avoid anything that would be considered personally offensive. 
> 
> All of these products are real things I found online. The internet is an interesting place. 
> 
> I have no idea how HOA fines work. I'm going off of second-hand horror stories and really had no desire to research further. I'm sure most HOAs are run by nice people.
> 
> The artwork was provided by my daughter. This is her first piece of fanart and she has appointed herself my official artist for all of my subsequent fics. (And before anyone asks, she did not read any part of this fic. I described the scene in question and she took it from there)

“SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Dean was standing in the middle of his kitchen, vibrating with rage, and absolutely covered in glitter. The innocent little package lay where he’d dropped it; the spring that had activated the explosion of one of the evilest substances known to man, still bouncing slightly.

Trying to get a grip on his temper and mentally calculating how to best clean himself up without spreading this stuff to every room in his house, Dean finally noticed the little note inside the box. Bending slowly, and then wincing as glitter fell off of him to land on the floor, he eased the paper out (which of course was also covered in the sparkly crap) and unfolded it.

_Don’t worry, Winchester. The glitter is biodegradable._

So far, all of Novak’s ‘pranks’ had been pretty tame, but this was going too far. This meant war.

~~~

It started, as these things sometimes do, with an offhanded comment.

The house next door to was on the market for less than a week before it went under contract. Castiel was outside weeding his garden when a somewhat loud and unfamiliar engine had him looking up. Living on a cul-de-sac meant no thru traffic and the vintage black car was definitely not one that he recognized. It wasn’t until it pulled into the drive next to his, followed by a moving van turning down the street, that Castiel realized this must be his new neighbor.

With an audible squeak of the door’s hinges, one of the most gorgeous men Castiel had ever seen stepped out of the car. His ran a hand through his dirty blond hair and stretched his body out like one does after a long drive. Castiel caught a glimpse of his skin under the band tee he wore before the man dropped his arms and closed the door. He walked around to the front of his car and leaned back against the hood with his arms crossed and a proud smile directed towards his house. The man had a gorgeous smile- one than made him look young and carefree, and Castiel had the oddest urge to get closer to him just to soak in some of the sunshine that seemed to radiate from the stranger.

Beeping from the moving van backing into the driveway had the man turning to walk towards it. His eyes met Castiel’s then and he gave a friendly wave which Castiel returned before turning back to his gardening. He knew how stressful moving could be without nosey neighbors jumping on the new arrival before they’d settled in. There would be plenty of time to get to know the man later.

~~~

The housewarming party was in full swing. Dean had only moved about an hour and a half away, but that was still a long drive for some people just for a party, so he was glad most of his family could make it. His parents occupied his new patio set along with Bobby and Ellen, Sam and Eileen had teamed up against Charlie and Jo in what was turning into a cut-throat game of Cornhole, Garth and Benny chatted over the grill, and Victor, Jody, and Donna were trading war stories.

A glance at the trash bag showed it getting pretty full, so Dean tied it up and headed to the can along the side of the house. His neighbor was there just on the other side of the low brick wall separating their yards when he rounded the house.

He’d hardly seen the man since that first day. Thrilled to see that he’d lucked out on such an attractive neighbor, he had been about to walk over and introduce himself when the man had turned away from him. Figuring he was either busy or just not interested in getting to know his neighbors like some people were, he didn’t bother. No excuse now though.

“Oh, hey man. Haven’t had a chance to introduce myself. I’m Dean.” He held his hand over the wall for the other man to shake.

Bright blue eyes studied him and for a moment, Dean thought he wouldn’t return the greeting. It only took a few more seconds for him to offer his own hand. “Hello, Dean. I’m Castiel.”

Good lord, did this guy have a deep voice. “Nice to meet ya.”

“Likewise.” They stood in awkward silence for a few moments before Castiel asked, “Are you settling in ok?”

“Yep. Got most of my boxes unpacked and finally got my family down for a little housewarming party.”

“So I see,” he replied stiffly. Castiel switched his focus to the yard and its occupants.

Is this the sort of thing you’re supposed to invite the neighbors to? Some unspoken rule of suburbia? “You busy? You should come on over. We got plenty of food.”

Castiel’s eyes moved back to Dean’s before dropping to his feet. “No. No thank you. I have an early morning tomorrow and a few more things to do before I turn in.”

“Ah. Um, maybe next time,” he trailed off.

“Maybe.” Castiel looked back up and gave him a tight smile. “I should let you get back to your guests.”

“Oh, yea, sure. See you ‘round, Cas.” Dean turned to continue to the trash can.

“Dean?” Castiel called.

He turned the see the man shifting nervously. “Yea?”

“I, uh… I _do_ have an early morning tomorrow and, well…” Castiel wouldn’t meet his eyes and his gaze darted around at nothing in particular as he struggled to get the words out. “It’s fine right now, but um… would you please try to keep the noise down after ten?” By the time he finished speaking, Castiel’s face was flushed a deep red and he was back to staring at his feet.

This guy was adorable. “Of course, dude! Most of them are from out of town, so they’re not going to be staying that late. I doubt if anybody is still here past eight.”

Castiel sagged a little in relief. “Oh, good. Um, good. Well, thank you and, uh, it was nice meeting you, Dean.”

With that, Castiel disappeared through his back door and Dean returned to his party.

~~~

The next day, Castiel was still kicking himself over his behavior around Dean. He’d never had the best people skills and Dean had caught him off guard with the sudden introduction. It was also the first time Castiel had seen the man up close and he’d been doubly stunned by his beautiful eyes and smattering of freckles. Add in a deep aversion to confrontation being triggered by his simple request to keep the noise down once it got late, and all that equaled one very stressed and deeply embarrassed Castiel Novak.

He was so caught up in his self-flagellation as he walked to the cluster mailbox down the street that he didn’t notice Naomi standing there until it was too late.

Her hair was pulled back into its normally severe bun and her eyes studied him with the same intensity she studied every house on their street for HOA violations. “Hello, Castiel. How have you been?”

“Very well. And yourself?” Castiel tried to say as little as possible to Naomi whenever he could help it.

“I’m well.” They both took a moment to open their respective boxes and Castiel thought he may be able to escape when she spoke again. “And that new neighbor of yours, how is he settling in?”

Castiel internally bristled. Naomi was a shark and it was an unspoken agreement on the block to never reveal more to her than was strictly necessary. The woman lived to try and twist the bylaws whenever possible so she could fine her fellow neighbors. “He’s good. I met him properly yesterday. He’s very nice and I think he fits in well here.”

“It looked like he had some sort of party yesterday.”

“He had some family members stop by, but they were no trouble and Dean made sure everyone left early so the noise didn’t carry into the night.”

Naomi’s eyes seemed to get a little brighter before she gave him a tight smile. “That’s good to hear. I’ll see you again soon, Castiel. Good day.”

Castiel sighed in relief when she was out of earshot. That was close. Now all he had to do was figure out a way to talk to Dean again without making an ass of himself.

~~~

_Dear Mr. Winchester,  
Yesterday, there was a party held at your residence. We received a noise complaint this morning and would like to remind you that according to Section 3, Subsection B.2: “The resident must maintain the peace and tranquility of the neighborhood at all times and excessive noise will not be tolerated.”  
As this bylaw has been violated, you’re being fined and as a first offense, you owe $50._

The note continued on to state how to pay his fine and was signed by the head of the HOA.

To say Dean was pissed was an understatement. The party wasn’t loud at all. Who would—

Cas. Cas had asked him to keep it down. At the time, Dean just thought he had a little social anxiety and that explained his standoffish behavior. But maybe his new neighbor was just a dick who ratted him out to the HOA for having a few people over.

The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. He’d worked hard and saved for years to buy his dream house. And now he’d barely been there for a week and he was already in trouble with the HOA? What kind of ass would report him for a damn barbeque? Fine. If that’s how his neighbor wanted to be, then Dean would give him a piece of his mind.

~~~

A few days later, Castiel stepped inside with his mail. There were the usual adds and a bill, but one envelope stood out. It looked like a card and since it wasn’t his birthday or near any holidays, he was intrigued. Castiel ripped open the enveloped to see a generic looking photo of a silhouette of a person jumping in the air in front of a sunset. The caption at the bottom read, _Happy Pull the Stick Out of your Ass Day!!!_

Castiel let out a huff of laughter before he frowned in confusion. Who the hell sent him this? He opened the card and read:

_Hey, asshole. If you had a problem with the noise, maybe you should have tried acting like and adult and TALKING to me. Must be difficult going through life while being so miserable that you have to make sure everyone else suffers with you. Good luck with that.  
-Dean Winchester_

Castiel shared at the note in shock. What had he done to make Dean so angry?

Come to think of it, He’d seen Dean twice in passing in the last few days and the man had ignored him the first time and given him a dirty look the next. Castiel had assumed he was just in a bad mood, but…

Was this because he had asked him to keep the noise down once it got late? No. That couldn’t be it. Dean hadn’t seemed upset when they’d spoken; quite the opposite, in fact. What other reason though would he have for sending this?

Castiel was a nice person. He carried in Mrs. Mosely’s garbage cans for her, volunteered at the youth center, donated to conservation groups. He always tried to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, but this? He’d lived here for years and suddenly this person comes in and sends him an insulting letter?

No. No way.

He threw the note into the trash and pulled out his phone. Two could play at this game.

~~~

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

When Dean opened the little box (that was sealed with a sticker that said _Piece of Shit_ ), he’d been grossed out. It was a turd. Or at least it looked like one. Upon closer inspection, he was relieved to see that it was actually not poop, but what looked like compressed… dirt? (He hoped)

Inside was a note that read: _Here’s the only shit I give about you and your opinions. P.S.- it can actually be planted as it contains wildflower seeds.  
-Castiel Novak_

Was this guy for real? Did he just send an eco-friendly insult? Dean wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed or impressed.

A thought of that HOA fee had annoyance winning out.

~~~

 _Congratulations on your upcoming anal bleaching appointment!_ The postcard proclaimed in front of a picture of a bare butt. Castiel flipped it over. _Since you like kissing other peoples’ asses, maybe this will help you get some ass kisses of your own. -D.W._

That bastard.

~~~

_You are now eligible to have your crimes pardoned. Please visit our website for more information._

“Psh. Weak, Novak.”

~~~

_Season’s greetings from the sperm bank! Your sample were used successfully six times this year!_

Castiel chuckled at that one. “Six times would be impressive,” he mused.

~~~

_Thank you for participating in our erectile dysfunction research study! Registration info on back. 1-800-GET-HARD_

“Not cool, man. Not cool.”

~~~

_Modern Cannibal: We hope you look forward to our new monthly recipes!_

“Well, that is just gross.”

~~~

_Thanks for your continued support of the Westboro Baptist Church!_

“Oh hell no. Now he’s gone too far.” It was time for Dean to up the ante.

~~~

Instead of a postcard, Castiel received a DVD. In was in a protective sleeve that read: _Adult DVD Rentals- Milk It! Hot men covered in milk!_ The picture on the front was of an attractive (and nude) young man actually covered in milk.

What the hell?

Seems they’d moved on from cards.

~~~

The package looked innocent enough at first. It was small and made of bubble-lined black plastic. A little label on the side grabbed his attention. _A service to please your nose. PANTYSNIFFERSCLUB.COM. Authentic, worn panties for your sniffing pleasure._

When Dean flipped it over, he could see a small scrap of lace actually peaking out from where the package was sealed.

Good one, Novak.

~~~

The shape of the package sitting in his box gave him pause. From the end, it looked like a cylinder and Castiel was instantly suspicious. He eased the tube out slowly and gasped at the big, bold print on the side. _BigAssDildos.com_.

How the heck was he supposed to walk home holding this thing?!

~~~

Dean was confused when he saw the floral-patterned box, but a quick exam revealed nothing offensive. Aside from his address, the only other writing said _Made With Love_. He wasn’t expecting any packages. Maybe his mom had sent him something?

Opening the box in his kitchen, he couldn’t help but laugh at the giant chocolate penis nestled in the box with _Eat A Dick_ printed on the lid.

~~~

“What the--”

Underneath the note telling him to _Eat A Bag of Dicks!_ , the box was filled with half a dozen types of penis-shaped candy. Gummies, suckers, mints, and was that…? No! _Cum Shot Liquid Marshmallow_ —

Castiel dropped the tube and covered his face with a groan. “Who the hell comes up with this shit?”

~~~

Dean pulled into the driveway after a long day at work and noticed a sign in Castiel’s yard. _My Neighbor is an Asshole!_ it proclaimed along with an arrow pointing towards his house.

“Oh, we goin’ public now?” He huffed a laugh. “Bring it!”

~~~

There went another one.

Castiel’s street was usually pretty quiet, but all day people had been honking as they passed his house. Every time he heard one, Castiel looked outside, only to see nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn’t until he was returning from the mailbox that he saw the sign in front of his tree. _Honk If Carol Killed Her Husband!_ was printed in front a tiger striped background.

Castiel ripped the sign out of the ground with a curse. He hated that show.

~~~

This was getting out of hand. Dean may have gone a little overboard after the glitter fiasco. Jo and Charlie assisted him into the wee hours of the morning in driving 1000 disposable forks (he willingly paid extra to get the compostable ones so Cas wouldn’t be too upset without stopping to think why) into Castiel’s yard.

And now he was staring at dozens of dicks dusted onto his grass with flour.

“Not bad” he chuckled.

~~~

“What the f—” Castiel couldn’t even finish his sentence.

He hadn’t planned on mowing his grass until tomorrow, but apparently while he’d been at work, Dean had decided to do some yardwork of his own. _I SUCK_ had been cut into the grass. The phrase spanned the entire length of his yard and was impossible to miss.

Unwilling to let that sit until the next day, Castiel grumbled to himself all the way through changing into his yard clothes while simultaneously plotting his revenge.

~~~

Dean was filling up the Impala at a gas station when an attractive woman passed by on her way into the store. Their eyes met and she changed course to walk closer.

“Nice car,” she said in an admiring tone.

“Thanks. She’s my Baby.”

“She a 67?” she asked as she swept an errant strand of dark hair out of her face.

“Sure is! Good eye.” Cute and knew cars? Jackpot.

“My uncle likes to restore cars.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled at him. “I picked up a few things.” The woman’s attention turned back to car. “She’s in great shape.”

Dean preened. He never tired of getting compliments on his Baby. “She drives like a dream too.”

“I’ll bet she does,” she trailed off. The woman hummed and furrowed her brow. “Not sure about those valve covers though.”

It took Dean a second to register what she said. “What do you—”

Dicks. More fucking dicks.

Someone (and Dean was 99% positive who) had replaced his tire valve covers with ones shaped like dicks.

How long had those been there?!

“FUCKING CAS!”

“What?”

Dean looked at the woman who had taken a little step back and was watching him warily. “Sorry, sorry. My neighbor, Cas, we’ve… God it’s hard to explain. Um, kinda like the Hatfields and McCoys but with pranks.”

The woman was still staring at him with a confused frown. “Ok then. Well, good luck with that.” She turned and practically ran into the store.

Dean was still too angry to feel any disappointment over the girl leaving without getting her number. “That son of a bitch.” He jerkily got into the driver’s seat and just managed to keep himself from slamming the door.

It was time for a face to face with Castiel Novak.

~~~

Castiel almost dropped the dish he was washing when he heard a loud banging on the door. The noise continued until he opened the door to a practically snarling Dean Winchester who nearly fell inside when he brought his fist down onto nothing.

Castiel leaned against the doorframe and casually crossed his arms. “Hello, Dean. May I help you?”

“Where are they?” Dean growled out. He held his arms stiffly at his sides and his hands were squeezed into tight fists.

Knowing what he meant, but still determined to rile the man a bit more, Castiel played dumb. “Where’s what?”

Dean took a step forward. “You damn well know what. Give. Them. Back.”

Refusing to be cowed, Castiel straightened his shoulders and stood to his full height. He quirked a brow and kept his face in a mask of polite confusion. “Did you lose something Dean? Maybe a kind Samaritan found whatever you lost and mailed it back to you. Have you checked your mail recently?”

Dean’s eyes flashed dangerously and before he could react, Castiel found himself being shoved inside and pressed against the wall of his entryway. “You son of a bitch. The mail? The yard? Fine, whatever. But no one--” He leaned in closer and Castiel could smell a hint of mint on his breath. “No. One. Messes with my Baby.”

They stayed frozen for a few seconds. Dean scowling and Castiel stuck between anger and arousal. Even pissed as he was, Dean was still incredibly attractive. His brain caught up with the situation quickly though and anger won out. How dare Dean force his way into his home? He pushed the other man back roughly. “Is your Baby worth going to jail? Because the way I see it, this is trespassing. Maybe even battery.”

Dean furrowed his brow and looked around in mild shock like he hadn’t even realized he’d come inside. He shuffled his feet uncertainly before steeling himself and crossing his arms. “Is your little prank worth a theft charge? Baby is vintage and those valve covers were original.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “I didn’t steal them. They’re probably in your mailbox right now. What about vandalism for my grass?” he countered.

“You mean after you covered my yard in flour?!” Dean yelled back.

“Well… Littering! You left several hundred forks in my yard.”

It was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes. “Can it really be called littering if they’re compostable?”

Castiel was surprised. “They were?”

Dean blushed a little and stared out the still-open front door. “Well, yea. I know you like to keep the pranks as eco-friendly as possible or whatever,” he finished with a mumble.

“Yes, actually. That’s good to know then.”

Silence fell as they both seemed to be out of steam. Looking back now, the whole situation seemed so silly. Castiel shifted awkwardly and Dean likewise fidgeted. “Why did this start, Dean? Were you really so upset after the party?” Dean looked up in shock, mouth hanging open slightly. “I know my people skills are ‘rusty’, but I didn’t think I was terribly rude.”

Dean continued staring before his eyes once again hardened and he clenched his jaw. “You reported me to the HOA, man. I got a $50 fine for a BBQ.”

Now it was Castiel’s turn to be shocked. “What? No I didn’t.”

Dean scoffed. “Really? You ask me to keep the noise down and the next day I’m getting a letter? Hell of a coincidence.”

“Dean, I promise, I didn’t—” Naomi. Castiel should have known. She was way too interested in Dean when they spoke all those months ago. “Oh.”

“Ha!” Dean shouted and pointed an accusing finger. “I knew it was you!”

Castiel waved his hand in protest. “No, well, yes technically it was, but not the way you think. I did mention to Naomi that I spoke with you, but it was only to mention how understanding you were when I asked you to keep the noise down once it got late.”

Dean dropped his arm and shook his head. “Not following your logic here, Cas.”

“You don’t understand. Naomi will use _any_ excuse to give someone a fine. I mean, haven’t you seen her walking around with a measuring tape checking the length of the grass?”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that what she’s doing?”

Castiel nodded. “She’s militant, Dean. Most of us try to avoid her at all costs. Whatever you say, she’ll find a way to twist it.”

“Why didn’t we get any shit for the stuff in the yard then?”

Castiel laughed. “Oh, she goes to visit her brother every year for a month or two. She came back a few days ago which is why I moved the prank to your car,” he finished sheepishly. “I am sorry about your car and the fine. I’m normally a very nice neighbor.”

Dean studied his face carefully and then threw his head back in laughter. He kept trying to speak, but couldn’t seem to mange it. “You mean—” he bent over his knees, shoulders shaking, “all this shit—” more laughter, “was—” Castiel was starting to worry at this point, “for nothing?!” Dean’s laughter was sounding more hysterical and pretty soon the ridiculousness of the last few months caught up with him and Castiel joined in.

For several minutes, the two men couldn’t stop laughing. Every now and then a word would slip out related to one prank or another and the laughter would start all over again. By the time they were able to calm down, they’d both collapsed to the floor and Castiel’s stomach was actually in a bit of pain.

Dean leaned his head back against the wall trying to catch his breath and still letting out the occasional giggle. He closed his eyes and hummed. “So where do we go from here, man?”

Castiel tilted his head thoughtfully. “I think we should go back to the beginning.” He reached over and held out his hand. “Castiel Novak. I like honey bees and playing the occasional prank.”

Dean opened his eyes and grinned. “Dean Winchester. I’m an Aquarius. I like long walks on the beach and frisky people.”

His hand squeezed involuntarily against Dean’s and he gave the other man a deliberate once-over. “’People’ huh? Interesting.”

Dean waggled his eyebrows. “Yep. What about you, Cas?” Dean’s voice deepened the tinniest bit. “Do you like walks on the beach?”

Castiel smiled widely. “Only if I’m with good company.”

~~~

The next few years were still filled with pranks- they just tended to be confined to each other’s homes. The only exception was when Naomi went out of town. Then all bets were off.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed reading!
> 
> I realize that realistically Naomi would be voted out of the HOA if she was that much a pain, but it's more fun to imagine the neighborhood bonding over a common enemy. 
> 
> Every Kudos gives further resistance to Naomi's reign of terror!


End file.
